I have a really long "to do " list for 2015, that's regardless of what scan, doctor, or statistics may say.
So my lungs better behave, and my chemo brain better cooperate.
First on the list of course is to move my healing forward. I can't go on chemo forever, no one does. My oncologist expects the chemo to either stop working or I will give up. Giving up will mean my body can't tolerate the toxicity anymore. The strain has started to show itself in the past 3 chemotherapy sessions I've had, my veins are starting to resist the treatment, putting a cannula on me is becoming a burden on myself and the nurses, and I'm starting to bruise really bad where the needle was. Having said that though, my oncologist said he hasn't seen anyone go on chemo for as long as I have and do so well! I'm mapping out my next line of action and I will talk about the modalities I've chosen in the next weeks.
The cancer will obviously still take center stage. Let me rephrase that, I will put myself at center stage this 2015. Cancer is a call to put myself there, it tells you that you need to let yourself be the star once in a while. It's a calling to reboot myself, although I wish it's as simple as hitting a button.
This can be really overwhelming and I can't allow it to consume me so I've written down a bucket list of things to do when I'm not on treatments, meditating, or doing research. What type of bucket list can a cancer patient make? One that doesn't require commitment! My list is a mix of fun, challenge, relaxation, and will probably involve a lot of mess. It will all be short term and can be abandoned on demand except maybe for one, the photography site I want to relaunch on a much smaller scale, still debating on this one. Taking a Spanish language class is on my list. We recently hired a Cuban cook and trying to communicate with her with the little Spanish I can muster inspired me to revisit these classes I used to abhor, Mi Ultimo Adios, no more! This one goes on the do something challenging list, along with sewing and cooking classes.
It will be living with Cancer - Extreme! Don't worry, I'm aware of my limits, chemo and side effects and cancer will get in the way. That is why first on my list is Nourishment. I will do everything to get my diet and supplements right, I know this alone will help me bulid up.
I haven't really followed through New Year's resolutions of years past, but I make them every year. In my situation, it is a must, I simply must stick to it and do it! Every year, even if we don't write them down we've all got lists on our minds when the new year comes. Be it improving on a skill, starting a new career, getting relationships in order, etc. We all get a chance to pause and redirect our lives, how many more chances will I get to make these resolutions and carry them out, I wonder. I can't definitively say, there's always next year but all of you who are reading this, don't miss out on these chances - no pressure :)
I wish and pray for fortitude and stability in body, mind, and spirit to get through another year.
A Happy, Healthy, and Prosperous Year to all!